The Divine

So, it became easy for me to disappear from the playground, walk through the New River Tunnel in Fort Lauderdale, palm a candy bar from the 7/11 and return unnoticed.

The last time I did this, upon returning from the store and entering the tunnel, a dark shadow, like a fog around me, was lifted. I was pulled up into a tunnel of light. Completely engulfed in a brilliant white light echoing the sound of eternity, a distinct divine presence energized my entire being with love and I existed outside time.

Returning, the white light faded as the classroom came into view. Without the memory of walking back, my hands were folded on my desk, I was sitting up straight and kids were sitting back down from recess. The physical came back into focus while my heart remained filled with love. I loved everyone in the class, even Ronald, the poor guy everyone picked on, of which I no longer participated.

After class, I gave a girl the candy bar, saying “Happy Valentines Day.”

Reoccurring over the next few months, I began thinking this is how priests knew to devote themselves, this young alter boy silently devoted himself to becoming a priest. Learning the Latin mass by heart, I would quietly lip-sync every word with the priest.

Still within the bubble of love and the shadow not returning yet, as an alter boy, my conversations were not like talking or praying nor did I ask for anything because I was filled and lacked no good thing. Inside me, where my thoughts stilled, my soul spoke the language of oneness with my father, my love.

In the beginning, this being had no name, I knew him only as absolute love. In the beginning, this being imparted no belief system, I knew him only as presence. In the beginning, this being had no shadow, I knew him only as light. In the beginning, I knew only peace.
“The Divine in me honors the Divine in you”

This was just the first of over eight experiences throughout my life.

When I got home, nobody was there and Mrs. Snow from next door told me what happened to Tommy. I cried and was in so much pain thinking he might die. Later that night, after returning from the hospital, everyone had gone to sleep, so I snuck into Tommy’s room and crawled into his bed.

I still remember it well. As tears poured out of my eyes I asked God to take my life instead of his. A wind filled the room (not sure if physical or not) and in my head a deep voice said “He will be all right”. I was filled a with peace and happiness that surpasses understanding and it seemed that God’s presence had returned to my life.

Arriving at Broward General the next day, we found out he had been moved from critical care during the night. I remember walking up the stairs and coming around the corner to his room to see him sitting up eating jello with seven tubes attached to his body. To see him alive was so peaceful for me, even though I knew that God would now take my own life in exchange for my brother’s, so I quietly waited to die without telling anyone.

The hours passed and turned into days as I wondered how and when it was going to happen, just hoping that it wouldn’t hurt.

The next day Bob picked me up, we played a game of chess then went to his Bible study. During the study I became indignant towards them, it seemed to me that the topic of whether or not Jesus rose from the dead was something they all should have ironed out by now. Of course, I didn’t realize until later that it was for the benefit of visitors…

At the time I was smoking cigarettes and pot and we had discussions about both of our involvements in heavy drugs. He looked very happy in his life, especially compared to me. Everything I owned fit inside my backpack and I wore mountain looking clothing with a brown felt hat I had acquired while living for a year 1977 outside of Santa Fe, NM like a mountain man six months prior. My hair was shoulder length but I kept myself clean looking because it helped getting rides.

About a week passed by as we played some more chess and had a great time together, we laughed a lot. Then I called him and said I was going to Colorado to find God in the morning and wanted to thank him for his friendship. He said he wanted to show me something in the Bible before I left and he’ll be right over then hung up. We went back to his apartment where he lived with 3 other Christian guys whom I had also met, they were all very friendly. So, he took me into his bedroom and closed the door, turned on a dim light and we sat at the foot of his bed. For a moment, this part became weird for me as I began to wonder if he was possibly homosexual and was about to make a move on me. So having a few years of martial arts I prepared myself to assert the palm of my hand into his nose if he did. He leaned forward looking me straight in the eyes as I tensed my body and he said, “Why did Jesus die?”.

I broke. Tears formed in my eyes and said “I don’t know”. At that moment the vague recognition of another dimension, filled with a familiar love, surrounded me and I felt as if my mind was being opened to understand and accept the scriptures that I was being shown me. We spent the next hour or two reading about Jesus’ life and I felt as if my mind was being guided to see the loving spiritual force behind the story, as if it was not from man’s point of view but God’s. The tears kept flowing because I was experiencing such a power and love.

From within this dimension of love everything turned golden, as if glowing and all the pieces came together to form one singularity of thought, “this is the key”. I either saw or imagined an old fashioned golden key placed in front of me that would open the door to God. I jumped up with an exhilarating vitality and said “I want to be baptized”. I took the cigarettes from my shirt pocket, crushed them and threw them in the trash basket. Then the dimension closed and I was left with that singularity of thought of being baptized and knew that God would show up again. I asked Bob how we do this and he suggested we go get my stuff and I can sleep on his couch while I study more scriptures, to understand more. Knowing my desire to go to the Rockies, he said “God doesn’t want trees that get up and walk around the valley”. This made sense to me, so we got my stuff and I spent the next two weeks sleeping on their couch and kept asking to be baptized as we studied more and more. I began to read the Bible all the time and was amazed at what I was seeing. It had nothing to do with religion for me, there was such a undertone of spirituality in the words that I soaked it up like a sponge and sought God all day and at night would go out into the large field next to the Gatorwood apartments to be alone with God.

Finally, he said he thought I was ready for baptism but we need to meet with one of the leaders first and if he approved, I could get baptized. Seemed strange to me but I didn’t care, so on March 12, 1978, I met with one of the leaders of the church right before the Wednesday night service who asked me some questions and I guess he approved my baptism. So, right after service, I was led around to the back area, got dressed in a gown and was shaking from adrenaline, awaiting my turn. Chuck Lucas, the evangelist of the Crossroads Church of Christ turned and signaled me forward as another person came out of the water.

Note: In the late 60’s, emerging from within the Churches of Christ in America, Chuck Lucas had started the “Crossroads Movement” and the banner that was being waved was “Total Commitment”. Chuck stated that this movement of totally committed followers of Jesus was the only true church. All I knew at the time were the spiritual experiences happening to me personally before I even got to the church organization itself. Somehow I was able to look past so many things within the first year.

After I answered their standard two questions so as to make my beliefs publicly known, he put one hand behind my neck and the other over my nose. As he laid me backwards into the water, I began a huge exhale and saw multiple dark shadows leaving me as my body went completely limp and relaxed. I floated in complete stillness underwater then I felt the insurgence of the energy of light and love enter me from a few degrees to the right of my line of sight, it was the same energy from when I was eleven.

I was lifted up from the water and looked out into the audience of about 1,000 people and could see everyone glowing, as if surrounded by their own circle of light. As my hand covered my mouth, I cried and thought, “this is what Christians meant about being born again… I had no idea”. As I looked out I was so happy and at peace, there was no more guilt or sadness, there was nothing but love. I truly felt like a new creation, a new being and was so delighted to be with others who experienced the same. They nicknamed me the “Gainesville eunuch” because I was hitch-hiking, searching for God and from time to time would joke about hearing the gurgling from my huge exhale while being baptized.

This bubble of love and purity lasted around nine months. When I looked at others, all I could see was the beauty of their being like I was no longer looking from a worldly point of view. Humanity with it’s shortcomings and sins was put in it’s place because there was no judgment or condemnation towards others within me, only love.

There was a continual flow of so much love and peace that there was nothing on earth that I desired. For the next few months, everywhere I went his presence was in me, filling to overflowing into random people I came across who were drawn to me as if by a magnet, like a force of attraction flowing through me to stir others into introducing themselves.

Conversations would start and they would invite themselves to get together or come to church of Bible study. For me, it was simply a matter of fact that the Spirit was touching others in a manner beyond my personal ability, so instead of being enamored or thinking anything special about myself, I was simply loving people and experienced joy as they were moved toward God.

But I remember, as if yesterday, the exact moment it began to fade.

I met a married couple who were unhappy with their lives but seeking a change. We began spending time together and I told him about my experiences of how God showed up in such a powerful way after asking every day to see him. Without my knowledge, he began doing the same on his own and within a few weeks he had his own experience that changed both their lives.

So, the night of a social gathering at our church, a man who was one of the deacons, approached me. He walked right up to me said something about the couple and then said how spiritual he thought I was. He meant it in terms of my performance as a Christian, not in the truest sense of the word, non-physical.

As I turned to look over my left shoulder at the couple, who now radiated peace and happiness, the words “I guess I am spiritual” ran though my head. More than just words, it was an egoic concept that had not been part of my thought process for months.

Immediately, before I even had time to look back at the man, I felt a very subtle negative energy entered me from the left like a dark shadow that constricted the flow of the energy of God. My spiritual connection began to wane, leaving me very distraught over the next few months.

Not understanding what just happened, I of course did the most logical thing and began to fill myself with guilt that I had ruined it because I am such a horrible person inside. And yet, on the outside there was probably very little discernible change for I had learned over the years how a Christian should think and behave and modified my thoughts and behavior to reflect just that. So once again, since I was no longer filled, I automatically reverted back to that version of Christianity I was capable of, for lack of nothing more profound. It was a form of spirituality but without the Divine presence. On the inside, I knew differently and a great conflict with religion grew within me.

This new dimension was superimposed on top of the physical dimension so that I could still see the men and hear their muffled voices as they got out of their seats and came over to me. This other dimension was experienced not through my five senses, but from a different place inside me, from my spirit.

As my crying was slowly subsiding, I was made to sit up as a large metal javelin was thrust into the earth with tremendous force like a silent roaring thunder and anchored firmly before me. Both my hands were pulled forward and made to grasp this long upright javelin with ridges that ran from top to bottom. It was about a foot in diameter, so my fingers could not wrap around it. My eyes were fixed straight ahead, looking directly at the javelin when from God’s presence just to the right, the words were spoken…

“Do not look to the left or the right,look straight ahead. Seek my face.”

There was a “swoosh” as I felt the presence of God go right through me like a wind of Divine Love. All the guilt and bad feelings about my humanity were immediately taken away with one fell swoop. I felt completely free from the density of the human consciousness as if it had been removed, yet I was still in my body. Relief overtook me as my physical body completely relaxed, no longer tense or shaking or gripping the chair. My tears turned to absolute joy and I began calmly laughing. In that moment, I was an eternal spirit without fear, existing in a time and space beyond the physical.

In a calm silence, the words were spoken from the form of God like a river of love, “Who will go for me?” followed by a vision or an imaginary memory of Isaiah’s experience with God written in Isaiah 6:1-8. With all abandon I declared…

“Here am I, Send me.”

The men who had gathered around me began to come back into focus and I could faintly hear them speaking to each other. Then the dimension closed and I was encapsulated within what felt at the time like a translucent bubble of energy that extended just beyond the reach of my fingertips. I later recognized this bubble to be my own spirit, just as Knowles showed me in 1994. Within this protective bubble, only thoughts and feelings of love, purity and peace existed. It was like walking the earth in human form but having a spiritual consciousness rather than a human one. I walked the earth free from negative or self-fulling thoughts until I was abruptly woken from a sound sleep at 5am five months later.

“I do not know how to deal with not being able to write, because it seems to me that I need to write something in order to convey the my experiencing you to more than a few people. How else are people who are not in front of me going be able to begin? How will they know if not through words? How in the world can a non-writer write? Others have a wonderful talent for it, why not me?”

“And how will I be able to support myself now? Where will my financial relief come from if not websites, a job or this program? I see no future within the sea of possibilities, no door seems to be open for to me to walk through. I search for a solution but none arrives. I search for work but find closed doors. Am I stuck, the product of my own thoughts and actions of the past or am I waiting for you to move, because my will is now to do yours (or so it seems to me, but that too must evolve into…???).  My confusion is great and I am being crushed.”

“My tears are of the unknown and the possibility that I am deceiving myself. I do not know what to do anymore except what is put in front of me at that exact moment. There is nothing for me to plan except for getting with people. I have just about given up on getting a website contract and my thoughts of one appearing at any moment are becoming a distant memory. Maybe this, or maybe that, or maybe a new career, but in the meantime, my financial world has just about completely crashed down around me with only enough money to buy small amounts of food and gas. All my debts are now at critical mass, on the brink of collections and all I can see sometimes is a hopeless condition getting worse.”

“However, where is my stress? I should be freaking out, having night sweats and consumed with worry. I should be shaking with concern over what is happening financially but instead, I am content, at peace and in love with you and people. — I Love you.”

Six months ago and after a month of consideration, I chose to finally begin my long awaited adventure right after verbally renewing my retainer with a long standing client of 10 years. The $5,000 each month gave me the security to venture out into my version of 40 days in the desert. Camping the Appalachian Trail, seeking another experience with my Divine Love excited me. An unexpected call the next day…

“Hi Bob. We had a business meeting last night. Sheila, the woman we just hired to head up marketing, would like to use her brother-in-law to take over the website. I know we just renewed your retainer, but we’ve handed the reigns over to her.” John paused for my response.

“OK… When?” I said in a slow, not yet believing, tone.

“We’ like to start in two weeks and work on transitioning over the next month. Is that OK?” and after some conversation we hung up.

I kept thinking of the synchronicity of this happening the day after I had decided to camp the Appalachians. I told my son.

“It’s OK dad, I’m ready to have my humanity cave in on itself again (a little phrase we coined over the years) and maybe have another spiritual experience too.” he responded.

We amiably worked out the lease we just renewed two weeks earlier. Researching a spiritual trek through India, the Appalachians, a few other options, Chris brought up the idea of doing an off-grid experience, similar to mountain man stories.
We found a plot big enough for a couple cabins nestled inside 100 acres of untouched land at Lake Tenkiller. The ½ mile 4×4 road to the property became a non-issue as soon as our feet touched the earth. The silence of the woods breezing through the trees touching our souls gave us the feeling of home. We bought the land and spent the next few months clearing and building a cabin but quickly depleted out money and I was not able to find work anywhere, doing anything.

July 1st, 2017 Letter to the Divine

“If I were to pour out my heart to you Father, my love and my friend, it would be filled with tears of compassion for others and the joy of how you have loved me so intimately as to fill me with your presence. I thank you for my life and transforming me beyond what I dreamed possible. You set inside me your unconditional love and have illuminated my darkest places and hidden areas of my life. You are replacing my very self with your Divine love and I am overwhelmed with compassion as it has begun to pour out from me. You are with me and cause all religion and beliefs to fade into the background in light of your infinite existence, there are no words to express, just the silent knowing of you. You continually open my mind to reveal your presence to my inner most self. You continue to remove from me everything not consciously Divine. You are overtaking me and you have become my love… I am yours.”

July 5th, 2017 Letter to the Divine

“My dearest of all loves, It brings tears of joy to my eyes, that you are changing me into becoming more than I ever dreamed, yet surrounding me now is such financial calamity. All value in my life is transferring to the love I am experiencing with you and compassion for others. I find no true value in business anymore, yet I would about do anything at this point to make money, but nothing opens. I lay down in my little red tent with love and compassion in my heart. There is nothing on earth that I desire anymore – well some cookies would be really good right now – I laugh while tears stream from in my eyes. How can sorrow and joy exist at the same time? What am I becoming? I am such a child before the vastness of love for others. When I see people I want to say, “The suffering in me honors the suffering in you”. The scales have tipped, my fear of crashing financially has materialized, I am scared of what I will become. Fear has captured me, yet you surround me with your love as I weep, I am dissolving, melting away before my very eyes. Then you open my mind to see that my will has been replaced with an ever increasing love for you and your children. My will is to do your will and I no longer fear losing anything for I now choose to let it all go. I am yours, my mind is merging with you, my love.”

Being months behind now on my car payments, the bank was about to submit my account to their repo department. The bank manager informed me that if I could make two payments within 24 hours, that would stop the process. Seemingly impossible, I conceded I was about to loose my car, which did not bother me as much as defaulting the loan.

Arriving back at my tent about an hour before sundown, I was distraught and content at the same time. I was being crushed financially, yes by my own choices, but also from an insurmountable force I could not alter. My humanity crashing in on itself felt like dying. Yes, in the silence of my own heart and mind I’ve been asking for it, but I was definitely not enjoying the process.

The voices of the world echoing through my mind… What a fool, by my own demise I am destined to dash upon the rocks for I have jumped off the cliff of a foolish spiritual pursuit. Why can’t I just be satisfied with religion like everyone else? Why is it not enough for me? Am I chasing a fools fantasy? What an idiot I’ve become. Agonizing in my tent for five hours while my spirit peacefully observed, I have been split in two distinct consciousnesses.

For decades I have tried to communicate my experiences, but mostly they’ve fallen on deaf ears. I’ve always blamed myself for that, not being charismatic, or a good writer, or like other religious men who amass large followings. What’s wrong with me?

But now, I am broke, living in a tent with little money left. I had become the fool who thought stuff would happen, that things would change. In the same breath, I saw beyond my physical body into my spiritual existence. With the clarity of outside looking in, I continued watching layers of false perceptions be stripped away and it really hurt. And then, after talking on the phone with Debra for two hours, a rush of energy filled me with an epiphany that changed everything…

“I’m not going to loose anything! I’m going to give it all up, my entire life.” was the singularity of thought ringing in me.

“Tomorrow I’m going into town to find a used backpack and surrender my car. Then I’ll go live in a homeless shelter and love whomever is around me while continuing developing the Evolving With God project. I’m all in.” speaking to myself.

It was settled. A deep calmness enveloped me as I fell asleep. Facing my greatest fear of financial ruin, I let go of my tether to human security.

July 7th, 2017 – The Morning after

Upon awakening the next morning, the duality of consciousness was gone. My mind had merged with my Divine Love more closely so as to appear to me as one. Rebirthed, my thought patterns changed, living in each moment.

Filled with an inexplicable love that did not possess conditions for its expression towards others. My human being wanted for nothing as each moment passed before me like a movie reel and my consciousness being the ever present bulb. I simply existed in a time that was forever this moment.