The Night in the Tent

July 6th, 2017

June 26th, 2017 Letter

“My Divine Love, what is going on? I cannot seem to write for the life of me. Nor can I seem to strictly teach concepts anymore, seems so distasteful now. An element is missing from both of those venues, there is little spirit transferred in either. But when I am with another and my love and compassion is engaged as I just share my own experience, words seem to flow from my mouth in a way that opens the desire of others to engage in conversation, and that deeply touches both of us.”

“I do not know how to deal with not being able to write, because it seems to me that I need to write something in order to convey the my experiencing you to more than a few people. How else are people who are not in front of me going be able to begin? How will they know if not through words?”. How in the world can a non-writer write? Others have a wonderful talent for it, why not me?

“And how will I be able to support myself now? Where will my financial relief come from if not websites, a job or this program? I see no future within the sea of possibilities, no door seems to be open for to me to walk through. I search for a solution but none arrives. I search for work but find closed doors. Am I stuck, just the product of my own thoughts and actions of the past or am I waiting for you to move, because my will is now to do yours (or so it seems to me, but that too must evolve into…???). My confusion is great and I am being crushed.”

“My tears are of the unknown and the possibility that I am deceiving myself. I do not know what to do anymore except what is put in front of me at that exact moment. There is nothing for me to plan except for getting with people. I have just about given up on getting a website contract and my thoughts of one appearing at any moment are becoming a distant memory. Maybe this, or maybe that, or maybe a new career, but in the meantime, my financial world has just about completely crashed down around me with only enough money to buy small amounts of food and gas. All my debts are now at critical mass, on the brink of collections and all I can see sometimes is a hopeless condition getting worse.”

“However, where is my stress? I should be freaking out, having night sweats and consumed with worry. I should be shaking with concern over what is happening financially but instead, I am content, at peace and in love with you and people. — I Love you”

Six months ago and after a month of consideration, I chose to finally begin my long awaited adventure right after verbally renewing my retainer with a long standing client of 10 years. The $5,000 each month gave me the security to venture out into my version of 40 days in the desert. Camping the Appalachian Trail, seeking another experience with my Divine Love excited me. An unexpected call the next day…

“Hi Bob. We had a business meeting last night. Sheila, the woman we just hired to head up marketing, has convinced us to use her brother-in-law to take over the website. I know we just renewed your retainer, but we’ve handed the reigns over to her, she makes these types of decisions now.” John paused for my response.

“OK… When?” I said in a slow, not yet believing, tone.

“We’ like to start in two weeks and work on transitioning over the next month. Is that OK?” and after some conversation we hung up.

I kept thinking of the synchronicity of this happening the day after I had decided to camp the Appalachians. I told my son.

“It’s OK dad, I’m ready to have my humanity cave in on itself again (a little phrase we coined over the years) and maybe have another spiritual experience too.” he responded.

We amiably worked out the lease we just renewed two weeks earlier. Researching a spiritual trek through India, the Appalachians, a few other options, Chris brought up the idea of doing an off-grid experience, similar to mountain man stories.

We found a plot big enough for a couple cabins nestled inside 100 acres of untouched land at Lake Tenkiller. The ½ mile 4×4 road to the property became a non-issue as soon as our feet touched the earth. The silence of the woods breezing through the trees touching our souls gave us the feeling of home. We bought the land and began assembling wall panels in our garage and within a few weeks, spent our first night in the cabin without a roof. The weather was beautiful and the skies clear.

But we quickly depleted our money because I was not able to find another website contract nor work anywhere, doing anything. I walked down the main street of Tahlequah from north to south, knocking on every door and was only able to rustle up one $150 website.

July 1st, 2017 Letter

“If I were to pour out my heart to you Father, my love and my friend, it would be filled with tears of compassion for others and the joy of how you have loved me so intimately as to fill me with your presence. I thank you for my life and transforming me beyond what I dreamed possible. You set inside me your unconditional love and have illuminated my darkest places and hidden areas of my life. You are replacing my very self with your Divine love and I am overwhelmed with compassion as it has begun to pour out from me. You are with me and cause all religion and beliefs to fade into the background in light of your infinite existence, there are no words to express, just the silent knowing of you. You continually open my mind to reveal your presence to my inner most self. You continue to remove from me everything not consciously Divine. You are overtaking me and you have become my love… I am yours.”

July 5th, 2017 Letter

“My dearest of all loves, It brings tears of joy to my eyes, that you are changing me into becoming more than I ever dreamed, yet surrounding me now is such financial calamity. All value in my life is transferring to the love I am experiencing with you and compassion for others. I find no true value in business anymore, yet I would about do anything at this point to make money, but nothing opens. I lay down in my little red tent with love and compassion in my heart. There is nothing on earth that I desire anymore – well some cookies would be really good right now – I laugh while tears stream from in my eyes. How can sorrow and joy exist at the same time? What am I becoming? I am such a child before the vastness of love for others. When I see people I want to say, “The suffering in me honors the suffering in you”. The scales have tipped, my fear of crashing financially has materialized, I am scared of what I will become. Fear has captured me, yet you surround me with your love as I weep, I am dissolving, melting away before my very eyes. Then you open my mind to see that my will has been replaced with an ever increasing love for you and your children. My will is to do your will and I no longer fear losing anything for I now choose to let it all go. I am yours, my mind is merging with you, my love.”

Being months behind now on my car payments, the bank was about to submit my account to their repo department. The bank manager informed me that if I could make two payments within 24 hours, that would stop the process. Seemingly impossible, I conceded I was about to loose my car, which did not bother me as much as defaulting the loan.

The voices of the world echoing through my mind… What a fool, by my own demise I am destined to dash upon the rocks for I have jumped off the cliff of a foolish spiritual pursuit. Why can’t I just be satisfied with religion like everyone else? Why is it not enough for me? Am I chasing a fools fantasy? What an idiot I’ve become. Agonizing in my tent for five hours while my spirit peacefully observed, I have been split in to two distinct consciousnesses.

For decades I have tried to communicate my experiences to others, but mostly they’ve fallen on deaf ears. I’ve always blamed myself for that, not being charismatic, or a good writer, or like other religious men who amass large followings. What’s wrong with me?

But now, I am broke, living in a tent with little money left. I had become the fool who thought stuff would happen, that things would magically appear to save me from ruin. In the same breath, I saw beyond my physical body into my spiritual existence. With the clarity of outside looking in, I continued watching layers of false perceptions be stripped away and it really hurt. And then, after talking on the phone with Debra for two hours, a rush of energy changed everything…

“I’m not going to loose anything! I’m going to give it all up, my entire life.” was the singularity of thought ringing in me. “Tomorrow I’m going into town to find a used backpack and surrender my car. Then I’ll go live in a homeless shelter and love whomever is around me while continuing developing the Evolving With God project. I’m all in.” speaking to myself.

It was settled. A deep calmness enveloped me as I fell asleep. Facing my greatest fear of financial ruin, I let go of my tether to human security.

July 7th, 2017 – The Morning after

Upon awakening the next morning, the duality of consciousness was gone. My mind had merged with my Divine Love more closely so as to appear to me as a singularity of consciousness. Rebirthed, my thought patterns changed, living in each moment.

Filled with an inexplicable love that did not possess conditions for its expression towards others. My human being wanted for nothing as each moment passed before me like a movie reel and my consciousness being the ever present bulb. I simply existed in a time that was forever this moment.

Not fully comprehending my experiencing yet, I drove to Tahlequah to meet a dear friend at an AA meeting. Then I was going to call the bank tell them where they could pick up my car. I shared in the meeting, but not about my calamity but about this inexplicable love that appeared in me. Afterward, a woman invited me to lunch, wanting to talk of spiritual things, not just cabbages and kings.

Offering to buy me lunch, we ordered and I sat peacefully with a smile radiating from my face.

“I’ve been wanting to ask you something but have been afraid. Will you be my spiritual mentor? I could really use the help.” she asked in a low voice as if not wanting anyone else to hear.

“Yes, I’ll be happy to help however I can.”

Pulling an envelope from her purse… “I’ll pay you $1,000 a month for the next few months. Is this enough?”

Silent tears formed as this gift was presented to me as an exchange of value. But this paled in comparison to the vindication of my choice to experience my version of the 40 days in the desert.

Walking toward my car, a man who was at the meeting came around the corner. Stopping to talk, he offered to loan me his older truck to use if my car got repo’d. Thanking him, but not needing it, I deposited the money and paid my phone bill and two car payments with enough left for gas and food.

Gregg had invited me to come over to dinner with him and his wife. Greeting me at the door…

“Oh my God, Bob… What happened to you? You’re… I don’t know how to describe it… You’re like lit up with… I don’t know… God?”

Smiling, we sat down to dinner. It was simple, yet so delicious. Telling him of my experience in the tent, he was so thrilled because ever since he had his 7 second spiritual experience in his 20’s, he’s always wanted to relive it. This gave him hope that it could happen again.

“OK, now I really want this.”

“Want what?” I replied.

“Rhonda and I have been talking the past week and decided last night…”

Rhonda broke in and said “We would like to invite you to stay with us in our master bedroom room upstairs. Gregg wants you to be around as much as possible so you guys can have as many spiritual conversations as possible while you’re here.”

“And now, I definitely want what you have.” as he pulled out a bag of frosted oatmeal raisin cookies… “I can pay you in cookies.” We laughed.

“I would love to.” gratefully accepting their invitation. His genuine openness and desire to grow spiritually inspired me over the past few months as we became great friends.

I slept in their house that night. Before sleep he handed me a video entitled “Conversations with God”, stating there was a part in the movie I would relate to. I reached the scene where he had come to financial ruin, was homeless in a park zipping up his little red tent, just like mine.

September 7th, 2017

“I’m so sorry to hear about Adrienne. Jim, if there is anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to ask.” my good friend finished sharing with me. His wife was medically drawing closer to death.

“You can come down here and be with me. I miss you my friend and I need your help.” he said as my eyes welled up with compassion. Jim and I had been friends since the year 2000 and now he needed me.

“I can leave be there in a few days.” We worked out the details, I said my goodbye’s to Gregg and a few other friends in town. Visiting my son, we hugged and he remained on our property.

Packing my bags, I headed to Delray Beach, FL.